Total Eclipse Of The Heart
by Ladybug-Jojo
Summary: "Let it burn while I cry 'Cause I heard it screaming out your name, your name" Set post 505. The aftermates of the Ashbaugh case. The emotions might finally have caught up with Alicia. Small spoilers for for up to the 100th episode
1. Total Eclipse Of The Heart

_Dedicated to My Girls, you are my darlings! And I am using a term in this story Moni had copyright on but I figured she would let me borrow it for this one!_

_Also in general a huge thank you to Moni for helping me with this one! _

_Also spoilers from stuff is included. And the story has an M-rated part that can easily be skipped if it is not your thing... the story is just as good without ;-)  
_

_I don't own the good wife or this would happen sooner or later in the show! And I don't own the song._

* * *

_And I need you now tonight and I need you more than ever  
And if you only hold me tight We'll be holding on forever  
And we'll only be making it right 'cause we'll never be wrong  
Together we can take it to the end of the line  
Your love is like a shadow on me all of the time (all of the time)  
I don't know what to do and I'm always in the dark  
We're living in a powder keg and giving off sparks  
I really need you tonight, forever's gonna start tonight  
Forever's gonna start tonight _

* * *

**Total Eclipse Of The Heart**

I curse as I see my flat tire. That is so not what I need right now. The rain is already soaking my jacket and I regret leaving my coat back in the office as I rushed to court. Especially when my shirt starts sticking to me, clinging to my skin. My heels will be destroyed before I get the tire changed and into the car, and my suit as well. Just not what I need. Even worse would be if anyone actually saw me right now. With anyone I of course mean Will. He would have a field day seeing me looking like a drowned mouse right now. The next second I hear the laughter behind me. And don't even need to turn around to figure out it is exactly what has happened. I try to ignore it, ignore him. Like we usually do these days unless we are trying to kill the other in court, or undercut the other, or staring the other down. Pretending the other is not existing is what we try. At least I try to do that and I think he does as well. I open the back of my car and start looking for the back up tire. Not able to find it I curse low. And I can still hear his laughter behind me. Why hasn't he left me yet? That would a human thing to do. To not enjoy my humiliation. But that is right these days Will and I never really do much of anything normal human caring beings would do toward the other. So that he is taking pleasure in seeing my humiliation shouldn't surprise me, I should have expected it. The umbrella suddenly being held over me is actually more of a shock than his mocking laughter. I manage to snicker thank you. Realizing that I might have preferred the mocking laughter of him rather than this fake civility. Because the laughter I can wrap my head around, this I can't.

I keep looking for the extra tire while I slowly realize I won't be finding one. That I really have been driving around without a back up tire.

I sigh deeply and pull back. I can just as well give up and get a cab. The wind blowing over the ground have me shivering in chills.

"No extra tire?" He finally ask me, his voice seemed laced with something I can't decide if is sarcasm and mock or he is really being genuine with me. I take a deep breath calming my nerves as I turn around to face him. Our eyes meet, I can feel he is still having fun on my account for my lack of luck. Though there is something else in his gaze as well something I can't define. Something that scares the hell out of me. It unsettles me and I don't like that. Fighting with him is easier than being unsettled. Being unsettled means remembering how deep in my blood he is. Of how we only came on this path because I couldn't wrap my head around loving him and see a way out of the whole mess. Of how I still fantasize of his hands sliding over my body as he makes me bend to his pleasure and my own. Of how I most of the time wish everyone else gone from the courtroom so he could have me like I want. That our hate and passion could all collide. It means remembering the dreams I try to suppress in the daylight. It means I need to go to Peter's office once more to get a release, just like it often is the case after fighting Will in court. But right now it is more. Anger means I can have sex where I don't need to think with Peter, this, his eyes now. They are making me want to curl up on my bed and cry my heart out. I love him, I love this man standing before me, I love him then he hates me, for betraying him. I love him then we tear each other apart. I love him then I fight him and undercut everything he says or does in court. I love him then I lay exhausted in bed at night, haunted by images of his hands, lips and body tearing into me. I love him then I wake up panting from yet another dream in need of immediate release either by my hands or if by lucky or maybe unlucky occasions I had let Peter sleep over he can be the one to give me my release. I love him then after having torn into each other I go and screw Peter, with Will's name always on the tip of my tongue longing to slip out as his image play for my inner eye.

"Mrs Florrick?" He pulls me from my thoughts with the name I hate more than anything. Never have I hated my married name more than after Will started to call me that. Not even then the name meant all of the media attention, as nothing has ever cut deeper than the name spit out like poison against me from Will's lips. Lips I wish were on my neck instead, making me as his and not my husband's like the name does.

* * *

I try to concentrate on the present moment. The moment where I am married to a guy that is helping me get clients and build my firm. The moment where I am fighting with Will and there is no chance of feeling his breath on my skin as he makes me come apart. The moment where he doesn't love me anymore. A thought that always have me freezing and shivering even then I am the warmest, even when I am lying in Peter's arms, and now while already cold it feels like I might get frostbites.

"Yes, I don't. Thank you for the kindness of the umbrella. I will go call a cab now." I answer him remembering his question about if there were no spare tire. He looks at me for a second longer, in that weird way, before his eyes turns back to their usually cold hatred for me, and he nods. As he pulls the umbrella back so it doesn't cover me anymore and I feel rain soak me again, chilling me terribly I am close to coming undone. I am close to dropping my independence and strong non-caring attitude and beg him to wait with the umbrella while I call. But I don't and he has already turned on his heel and is walking away. I slap the back of the car hard and start running back up to the court building, where I can hope to already find a cab, so I don't need to wait in rush hour. It isn't the case. And I sigh as I start to pull my phone out. I will probably catch a cold from the wet clothes and the wind. As I stand there dialing, _his _car stops in front of me on the road. I wonder for a brief second if he really hates me that much so he wants to enjoy my misery a bit more. However the next second he had rolled down passenger side window.

"Get in." Is all he says, I take a second to hesitate but I also know the time where he will wait around to convince me of such is long gone. If I don't hurry up he will drive away. So I get in, the seat will be wet from my clothes. But the warmth of the car is like send from heaven. He stares at me for a second while I put on the seat belt, before turning up the heat a little bit more. I am not sure what to say. What to tell him, what to do. I know I need to say something I really do. I mean he stopped and took me up though he surely didn't need to.

"Thank you for _this_" Is what I settle on, even the words sounds stupid in my ears. And I am sure in his as well.

"If you got ill I would risk getting a reschedule of the case. As I doubt you would let Cary or Carey argue it, and your _firm_ doesn't really have anyone else competent enough to do it..." He answers, he sneers the "your firm" at me. And each word is like a stab at me. I know fully well he is right. We don't have the best of lawyers, many of those we have are like kids in a candy store more than adults knowing what to do. Nevertheless does it set me off. How dare he criticizes me and my firm? It is not like his is perfect, if it had been, my followers would never have left in the first place.

"I'll have to do the same for you next time, then. We both know Diane wouldn't touch a case like this with a ten foot pole and who else do you have that has a shot of going toe to toe with me? I have seen David Lee out of family court and let me tell you, the sneer is worse than his bite." I hiss at him. It is a low blow, just like most we throw these days, just like the one I threw in their face after David Lee dared calling me Judas. I notice how he stiffens and I know he wouldn't accept my low blow, but have a comeback. Just like he always does, playing hardball with me. Though he for a few seconds still seem to be reeling from my jab at him.

"At least we have someone like David Lee that actually brings in money, and is making sure that also this year ends with profit. Oh and our holiday party is already so fully-booked that we have ordered extra catering. Something I am not sure you can say for yourself, Mrs. Florrick." He hissed at me. This time making me flinch. That wasn't the come back I expected. Also I wondered how in the world he knew about the holiday party, and the profit. He shouldn't know. I tried to run over in my mind how he could. They hadn't spied through my laptop as we once thought, but maybe they did have a mole inside our firm. I wouldn't put it past him.

"And how in the world would you know that? Have you really gone that low you have a mole inside my firm?" I hiss angrily at him. The thought that he would actually do that hurts. It hurts more than the words, spewed at each other. It hurts more than my limbs getting warm again. However it still doesn't hurt as much as losing him did. Of how he could go from warm to me and looking at me that special way to hate me and looking at me as I am nothing but the enemy needing to be destroyed and crumbled. Like I was just gum under his shoe.

He snorts at me.

"You really thought those would stay loyal to you Mrs. Florrick? They are like hyenas wanting what are best for themselves... and your firm _my dear_ is not that... your firm seems to have already needed financial guidance... will you even over come new year with profit?" He hisses at me. And I feel shaken once again.

"So you decided to swoop in and steal them back and have them spy on us? You are a bastard!" I hiss at him, and he actually dares to laugh at me.

" I might be a bastard but at least I am loyal to those I call my friends. Don't be so full of yourself Mrs. Florrick, it doesn't suit you _my dear_... I didn't make them do anything... You however must really be a good at management if they are already plotting against you... I would have given you six months originally but I clearly overestimated you, then you couldn't even do two..." He answers, and I know he is mocking me, and I feel awful.

Like I didn't know already it was going terrible. Those with me and Cary acting more like kids in kindergarten than grown up lawyers. And he is right I know they are already plotting against us, disagreeing with us. With me in particular, I shouldn't be surprised one if not more had gone to Will with inside information, wanting their old job back. I am also not stupid enough to guess he took them in. He took the information from them and I am sure he played them with it. I am also not stupid enough to think that secured their loyalty to me, it might have made them stay for now but they will be going behind my back again. I will need Robyn to find out who it is, as I doubt Will is going to tell me.

"And you used them? I assume you didn't even take them on after so for now they are loyal to me again?" I ask him in a hiss.

"Of course. What would I need people willing to sell out their firm for? I already had enough of them for a life time with _you_. I am grateful for the information they gave me though. And made sure to send invitations to all the clients that declined joining your merry little holiday arrangement. And you know what, many of them accepted and in addition said they might be interested in switching back." He answers me in a cold calm voice that freezes me.

"You did what? You are approaching our clients?" I hiss at him in shock, I really need to get hold on Cary. I need to find out which one it is possible he is making a play for.

"Don't make such a fuss Mrs. Florrick. You should know by now pay back is a bitch. And your own play for _my _clients would come back to bit you in the ass at some point." He answers me, and the way he is still calm but cold lets me know he fully well knows he has the upper hand, and that angers me. I have tried to keep it low and cold but this upsets me more.

"How dare you! We will destroy you, and then we will take the rest of your clients and lawyers, just for lesser pay. We will take every client... and we will show you what it was we did then we worked our asses for you while you just shined on your lauder, oh that is right. You didn't even do that, you were too busy bribing judges and stealing money from client accounts... Something you told the clients I did..." I am angry at him even more because he has unsettled me.

He flinch for a moment and it makes me glad that at least I found one attack at him.

"And h ow will you do that? Since you can't even manage a firm with 10 lawyers how in the world would you manage to run one with 300 lawyers? I guess I should actually thank you for having the decency to leave and spare my firm and me the horrors of your management skills as if you really had gotten the job as my partner instead of Diane I would probably be back in bankruptcy court thanked to you. And let's not even talk about the clients that don't even want to show up to your holiday party. And do you have any clients that aren't only still with you because of your husband?"

He answers me unsettling again the words and truths that I hate more than anything, because he is right. He is completely right. I hate it but it is the truth. I would have no idea how to run 300 employees, and our clients are about Peter more than anything. Even now with the upcoming party I am fighting with Cary and Carey that want me to invite Peter to the party so the clients will come. I have said no over and over but it doesn't change how they keep asking, since it seems like the only thing that would make more show up.

"At least I listen to them, my employees, and my clients. I don't waste extra money keeping equity partners, the silly ones, like Howard Lyman on, that just takes the money but does nothing. And I don't take back partnership offers and runs the firm like a dictator, or offers extra partnerships just because I need money." I answer him. And I can see I have gotten to him this time. That I actually managed to give a real blow now.

"You really hate my management style that much I should probably never have given you a job, in the first place, one that helped you get back on your feet since you clearly never appreciated it. Maybe it is good you are starting your own firm, as long as you don't come crying to me when you realizes how many compromises you have to make. Oh but you are already making those aren't you? Didn't you always have a problem with our clients, and yet you made a play for Bishop, and got Chum-Hum only because of Peter, and how he eased the laws to make it better for them? Also didn't you always hate representing those internet firms and the likes? You should get off your high heels _Alicia_ and see that you are doing exactly the same you say, you dislike me that much for doing." He hisses back. I feel stalled not so much because of all he said, which damn him is true, but because it is the first time he called me Alicia in months.

"Pull the car over..." I hiss at him, I am angry my blood is boiling and I am seeing red. The fact that he used Alicia now has pushed me over the edge completely.

"Sure, madam if you prefer to walk in the rain I am done helping you, even a continuance is better than spending more time with you and your lies rolling off your silver tongue..." He answers, as he pulls over to the side of the road clearly expecting me to get out of the car. I doesn't, I do snap my seat belt open and shrug out of my suit jacket before in a matter of seconds moving over so I straddle Will's lap. He is in shock staring up at me. This was clearly not what he expected. And I know he might very well reject me as I lean into kiss him. Something his does, turning his head so my lips lands on his cheek. However he is moving the seat back and his own lips are finding my neck, and the hollow between my ear and throat where he sucks on the skin enough to make me groan and moan deeply. I know he will be leaving a mark but I don't care. I kiss his face, teeth, lips, hands on it. It doesn't matter anymore. Words are falling from my lips, from his lips groans and moans of how he hate me, how I hate him. How I wish him to hell, how he sends me there, mixed with pleads, and confessions of how I love him, how he hates that he loves me. It is not said as the romantic declarations it should have deserved. It is more about anger and wishes of how it not to be true. At least from his side.

The only thing he won't allow is for me to kiss him, for real, though I am dying to. I want to kiss him, to convey to him that my love isn't about hate, but I really do love him even though I wish I didn't as if I didn't love him everything would be easier. However each time my lips seeks his, he moves his head. I get it, a kiss is something shared between lovers, it is intimate and emotional, and though I am a mess of emotions, this is just as much about anger and hate than about my undeniable love for him. A kiss is what send us down the rabbit hole once. It is what had me set out on this path. Because each kiss we shared confirmed I couldn't stay away from him. That I am magnetically pulled to him and can't stay away. Well something our fighting apparently is confirming as well. His hands are pulling me closer against him, and I press myself up against him, feeling his hands on my back through my wet shirt.

* * *

**M-rated part**

He pushes my skirt up and out of the way, ripping the lace between my legs to the side. I am fumbling with his pants trying to get them open. Something I finally manage. He steadies me one hand on my hip as I lift up enough so he can push them down and free his erection. I curl my hand around it, stroking it slowly, taking in the smooth nature. God he is big, I have almost forgotten how big. Two years apparently can erase some memories like this one. His hands are steadying me and I seek his lips in an other attempt but with same result. So I settle for pressing kisses to his face. He grips my hips, and pulls me a little forward, and straddled me right over his waiting erection. His tip now in complete place. He pulls me down hard as he arches his hips. In he slides, up, up, up. And suddenly I am filled to the brim with his incredibly hard flesh, making me throw back my head in a deep moan. He sucks on the skin of my throat, nibbling at the lop of my ear. I gasp loudly as he slides in a little deeper.

Long and loud, he groans. And still he kept tunneling into me, steady and deep until I could swear I can feel him at my tonsils. Sex this way definitely maximized the penetration. Above him, I whimper, and clench, my thighs tightening to stop him from sinking deeper inside. It is too much. I shouldn't be out of practice but I am when it comes to him. He is stretching me to my very limit, and I feel like I am on the edge.

He urges me a bit more down on his erection while he sucks and bites on my neck, and my shoulder making me groan out loud. Before I can even starts to move myself, his fingers delved back into my wet folds, honing in on my begging clit.

He presses home in me filing and pulling me the last inch down on him as he also presses on my clit. My cries turns into a groan and a plea as Will grounds against a sensitive spot deep inside me. His fingers teases my other sensitive spot with a flick. He is shoving me closer and closer to a heaven of bliss. Before he suddenly withdraw completely like a synchronized stunt show.

"Harder. Now. More!" I gasp needing more of this pleasure, this insane torture. I am finally with him again letting him give my body what it needs, I need it all this time. Well knowing it might never happen again, and he will by the end have ruined me for anyone else.

I notice how Will is gritting his teeth, as he enters me again, quickly filling me, a torturous drag of the head of his erection over my g-spot. I gasps, and dig my fingers into his shirt for support and I have never been more thankful for his anchoring arm around my waist as the sensations took me breathlessly upward. Then I rock deeply into ecstasy, soaring and breathless, it feels like I am seeing white and am about to pass out. I shudder, my body clenching at Will still buried hard and deep inside me while my pleasure pulse through me, spreading through my body like a potent shot of pure alcohol, or a fire having caught into old dry wood. God, I am tired, I am lost, I am helpless. But the drive of a hard male erection inside me all the way against my cervix brings me back to the moment with a moan. Will grits his teeth and gripes my hips even harder. He isn't done, far form. He is still hard and full inside me.

Tossing my head back and baring my throat to him, he takes full advantage of it, nipping his way up my neck to tug on my lobe with his teeth and breathe shivers over my shoulder.

He pushes me hard down on him again and I wrap my arms tightly around his shoulders for support as he fucks me hard and deep again and again. The head of his erection hitting a sensitive and sore spot inside me time after time, until I once more find myself screaming and clenching around him. He keeps pushing into me pumping his hips against me as he follows me over the edge this time. Filling me with every drop of his release, while I cry out his name in between moans of how I hate him and love him.

* * *

**M-rated part over**

I collapse against him. My head in the crock where his throat meets his shoulder. My nose buried into his neck. Smelling him in. I like his after shave, I always liked it. He has a bit of stumble on his face I hadn't noticed earlier, as I was probably too caught up in everything, from the pleasure to how I kept moaning how I hate and love him. My fingers are tracing it lightly now, I still want to kiss him, but I know he won't be allowing that. I am broken though, I am completely undone. This wasn't supposed to ever happen. It was a massive mistake, a destruction, and yet I want to stay here curled up in his arms forever. However this moment is broken as I feel him move, and tense up. His arms leaving my body. It makes me feel cold. He had managed to make me forget the wet clothes clinging to my body, a feeling that is now returning. I pull back and try to seek his eyes, but he won't look at me. I am tempted to force the eye contact needing it somehow and yet I know it will only make everything worse. I carefully move off him. Something that is easier said than done. I manage to push the horn of the car as I move back and over to the passenger seat. I feel tears starting to slide down my cheeks as I grab my jacket and my bag and quickly open the car door. I know I need to get away, I can't stay there as I break down. I can't give him that satisfaction. Sex with him had always been something magnificent something deep, something emotional.

It still was even this time but the fact that he had denied me every single kiss and to stay in his arms after was like an ice cold shower. I know he won't be stopping me. I know that fully as I get out of the car. Before closing the door I whisper a low. "I am sorry..." to him, low enough that if others were around they wouldn't have heard it but high enough that I am sure he did. I slam the door after me and stumble my way into the side walk as I start to run along it. The cold tearing into me, and the road making my feet hurt. I must have forgotten my heels in the car. Tears are running down my cheeks as I make my way through the streets and back to my office building. It happened, he finally found the way to break me, and there is nothing left, but the knowledge of how much pain I brought on us both. All because I couldn't see that loving him wasn't a mistake but what I was meant to do.

* * *

_Once upon a time I was falling in love, but now I'm only falling apart  
There's nothing I can do... a total eclipse of the heart  
Once upon a time there was light in my life, but now there's only love in the dark  
Nothing I can say... a total eclipse of the heart_

* * *

_Okay so please let me know your thoughts... I really hope you like this angsty take of mine._


	2. somebody that i used to know

_Okay here you go chapter 2 and first time I write Will in 1st person. So yeah please bare with me. It is dedicated to my two Monis. Monis for AW like one of them once said. One of them because she helps me write this. Without her it would be a mess. I own this chapter so much to her... she is really kicking my ass so if you like this one it is thanked to her... _

_The other for the soundtrack to this chapter. (Go search for Alicia/Will and the song title of this chapter and enjoy her video) _

_also another thanks goes to Steffi and to Sab that helped me come up with some tweeking for this one..._

_And a special thank you to someone very dear to me a frien who will never be forgotten! _

_I don't own the good wife or AW would be making babies instead of war._

_Also i would like to thank you all for all the amazing reviews i recieved... the number and yoru words completely amazed me... it really brought me to tears... why i hurried up and wrote this chapter so fast._

_(There is another m-rated scene near the end that can be skipped like always) _

* * *

_Now and then I think of when we were together  
Like when you said you felt so happy you could die  
Told myself that you were right for me  
But felt so lonely in your company  
But that was love and it's an ache I still remember _

_But you didn't have to cut me off  
Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing  
And I don't even need your love  
But you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough  
No you didn't have to stoop so low  
Have your friends collect your records and then change your number  
I guess that I don't need that though  
Now you're just somebody that I used to know _

* * *

**Somebody That I Used To Know **

I look around at the holiday party. We really had done well here, in getting clients and potential clients to come. Diane is charming a few with Kurt by her side, and I feel a pang in my heart. I wish it was me, I am getting too old to be alone like this. To be single at holiday parties or picking up ladies. Sure I have had my share of sex with strangers in the past and actually also in the not so far past. I have had more than I can count since I found out about Alicia's betrayal. After all sex is an outlet, and since I won't gamble again and won't be playing Russian roulette, sex had been the outlet, sex, sport and work. Beating Alicia in court was what I took pleasure in. Beating her and then going to pick up some girl I could fuck while I somehow wished it was Alicia I was with. Even though I avoided women that looked like her, redheads and blonds and one with pink/purple hair it had been. Never tall, and too smart for their own good, but brunettes, those were off limits. Yet these events like tonight remind me of the fact that I am 45 years old, alone, and that I must love a loathed enemy. Because that is what I do. I hate her and I love her, how it is possible I shall never know. And I wish it wasn't the case. It would make my life a hell of a lot easier if it wasn't the case.

"Will..." I turn around as I hear the voice. A voice belonging to someone I certainly didn't expect to see at my office party. Alicia's mother, Veronica. She is walking towards me, with David Lee. It unsettles me a little, there was something I for sure didn't know.

"Veronica..." I answer as polite as possible. I would prefer not having her or a member of her family here.

"I invited Veronica with me... I hope it is alright..." David is smiling at me, one of his Cheshire smiles. It shouldn't surprise me he came up with something like this. He is still angry over how Diane and I have not made him managing partner. So I guess this is some sneaky revenge. Though he hates and wants to crush Florrick& Agos as much as any of us he also likes a good game. Especially one he makes the rules of.

"Of course, I am just surprised" I answer, what else is there to be said.

"David and I decided to put our differences aside... that even though I knew of the split and helped out with the office buying, we could still stay friends. He is still my lawyer and financial adviser. And he invited me on a date a few weeks ago." Veronica explains as I nod. Her words makes me remember only one week ago and the heartbreaking earth-shattering sex with Alicia. I hadn't let her kiss me. I couldn't do that, her lips were dangerous to me and my heart. Sex was one thing but kissing her had always been something of itself. Kissing her was how I forever had conveyed what she hadn't let me tell her. So now kissing was out of the question.

"I see..." Is all I can manage to say. Somehow it hurts, that even David Lee seems to be finding love in no one but Alicia's mother while I am alone yet again. I excuse myself to them. Lee can take it however he wants. Like he has gotten to me or that I have clients to charm. Because off to charm some of them is what I go and do.

* * *

Though I don't keep it up for long, but seek refuge in my office. I need a break. The holiday season is one where you can feel the loneliness the most. It has never before been as strong, well maybe except for two years ago when Alicia broke up with me around this time of year.

"You didn't stop being polite." A voice pulls me from my thoughts and makes me look up from the case file and scotch I have found myself. It is Veronica standing in my doorway.

"What? Excuse me?" I stammer in surprise and confusion.

"I told you if you loved her you needed to stop being polite about it... an advice you clearly didn't take." Veronica explains, bringing my thoughts back to a conversation we had back months ago.

"It's is not... I am sorry, this is none of your business..." I answer her calmly. I don't want to remember. I don't want to think about election night and Alicia's scarlet lips I caressed with my own. Just before Diane caught us. I don't want to remember Alicia's breathless voice as she begged me to answer what we should do. I don't want to remember the heartache I felt when she kept rejecting my calls later that night. Even though we had promised we would talk. Even though I had been clear there. I don't want to remember the day after. Actually I don't want to remember anything related to Alicia if I can avoid it.

"It is my business when my daughter is sad and hurting. I told you, if you didn't stop being polite she would tie herself more to that bastard. And look what happened..." Veronica tells me, and I almost snort at her. Hurting and sad, I am the one hurting, Alicia seems to do fine, even now when her husband is facing hearings. I know that one is my fault and I know she has to wonder if I started the avalanche before or after I slept with her again. I did it before, but I will never let her know that. That I would never have been able to do it to her after having her once more. She is not the one hurting, I am, just like I have always been.

"You don't know the full story... you don't get to judge me here... she lied, she stole clients, she stabbed me in the back after all I have done for her." I tell Veronica, a little bit angry. I don't like to be judged, least of all for not fighting more for Alicia, I mean I have done nothing but care about her, want her and approach her when I thought it possible, back off when she told me to. I don't want to be judged for not fighting for the woman that cut me off and broke my heart.

"Did you ever once tell her you loved her? Did you ever stop to think about why she left?" Veronica asks me, making me flinch as I remember how I found out the truth of why she left. Of how I listened to those NSA tapes connected to a case, to suddenly stumble over one of her and her brother mentioning that subject, and her feelings for me. How she was in love, and couldn't stay away from me if she didn't leave. Something that hurt more than anything else.

"You can spare yourself an explanation Veronica, I know why she left. And it doesn't change anything. Other than I now know she hates loving me that much, that she will rather stab me in the back than give me a chance. That she will rather stay with her husband she isn't in love with and who cheated on her and she doesn't trust and is corrupt than give me a real chance." I tell Veronica with a deep sigh, my answer shakes her a little to my surprise.

"I... I... I thought you didn't know." She answers, suddenly unsure, and I shrug my shoulders.

"Well I do know... and I am not interested in discussing it further, like I said it doesn't change anything other than making it all worse. So I am sorry if your daughter is hurting, but I am done saving her. You can only love, save and help someone that wishes for it. And Alicia doesn't want my love, she never did. She prefers I hate her, which is why she did what she did, and keeps doing it. But I gotta give it to her, Veronica, she is strong. I never seen anyone like her before, she is the only one I know who is able to beat me in court in my own game. The protégé surpassing the master in some of our battles." I tell her, because it is the truth. Seeing her like this is complicated, as one part of me, of my heart feels incredible proud of her. If she was doing this to anyone else I would be laughing my ass off. She is using all the tricks I ever taught her, like the perfect protégé. The first time she beat me I cursed loudly because she used my very own method against me. The protégé challenging me to better my game which I had. The hate brain sex we had was incredibly thrilling and sent me on a high. One that also made me crash pretty badly after, just like the real hate sex we had did. Yet everything when it came to her confused me. And I wasn't about to open my heart to her again, or rather to trust her again. Because she was already in my heart no matter if I wanted her there or not.

"Will I am sorry... it wasn't meant that way... I thought it was differently. I want her happy, I want her to do what she wants not what she feels like she needs to do." Veronica looks surprised now and a bit sad. I can't blame her, it is her daughter after all.

"I understand but I just can't do it anymore. I don't trust her. I can't, not after what she did." I explain and she nods.

"I hope it is alright David is still my lawyer." She asks and I nod.

"Sure, I am sure he charges you..." I answer. Even though a part of me know it would be way easier for her if my firm wasn't connected to her, in case something with Alicia arose.

"Actually it was Alicia that advised me to stay here with my dealings." She offers making me flinch and snort at the same time.

"She said she wasn't sure there was anyone with her that would handle these matters as well as David..." Veronica offers, and I have a hard time not laughing. Well Alicia is right on that area. She is not the best at family law, and the rest with her certainly are neither. So wanting her mother well represented makes sense. The irony is that the representation is in form of my firm and the one Alicia is trying to squash. I nod at Veronica though.

"It is fine. I am sure David will be doing his best. Now I need to get back to work." I offer, and I see Veronica nod. She turns to leave but turns back around for one last comment.

"She loves you, I thought it was about sex for her, wanting sex, but it is not. She actually loves you!" She offers before leaving me alone and speechless. Wondering if some of her words have a meaning to me. In my conclusion they don't. I mean how could they? I have known she has feelings for me since hearing that tape, and it really is like I told Veronica, it hurts more. That she would rather stab me in the back than give me a chance that is how much she hates loving me.

I drown my scotch, the burn in the back of my throat is almost a relief, it is a reminder I am alive. I am strong, I am a fighter and I don't need Alicia's love or anyone's love really, no matter how lonely this time of year is. My train of thoughts is interrupted by a song about the same subject. They must have reached the part of the party that includes dancing.

_The nights are colder now  
maybe I should close the door  
and anyway the snow has covered all your footsteps  
and I can follow you no more  
the fire still burns at night  
my memories are warm and clear  
but everybody knows it's hard to be alone at this time of year_

Well the song got it right, the nights are colder now, and the snow has covered every footstep of hers. Though it is snow in metaphorical form. And my memories of her are still clearer than ever no matter how much I damn them. I focus back on the case. It is almost ironic. It is a family law case and I am only in on it because like David Lee said I would be better at arguing it against Alicia than anyone. He isn't wrong, and he is coaching me in every family law matter possible. He is even more right with this particular case as it is connected to Matthew Ashbaugh, a client he doesn't even know how much history there is between Alicia, me and him. Well Ashbaugh himself is dead. He died the night Alicia once again broke my heart, telling me she was back with Peter and whatever we had slowly started again needed to end. The night I feared Ashbaugh's killer could come after her as well. Something that was really just a stupid police set up. Now family was fighting over his legacy, and who better to represent the family parts than the law firm that had him as a client and the law firm that had once been connected to his case.

I want to laugh over the irony of it really, how I gave Ashbaugh to Alicia, because I felt she should have the big client, because she would be the only one I trusted the new one with. Now we were to fight each other over that very client's legacy. A lot like we were and had been fighting each other over our own legacy. Last I saw her was a couple of days after I had slept with her again. We had done the best to pretend we were nothing but strangers. It became easier for me to do when I saw that it had changed nothing on her side. We were back to the rabbit-hole so we fought, tearing each other apart like we do. Something I know we will be doing with this case as well. I mean some things never change, I fight her now the same way I loved her once. Soul-consuming, deep, hard, endless, like a dark ambush that is on the edge of exploding. I read the words irreconcilable _differences_ and they catch my attention. I snort, great I know a lot of those. It is the often used grounds for divorce as well. Something else I want to avoid thinking of, as divorce leads me to wonder why Alicia thought that was so hard to do. I know she doesn't want to hurt her kids, I get that, she is a good person for that, it is something I always respected her for, and one of those things that has always made me love her a little bit more. Because of how she puts her kids' happiness above her own, that she is always taking care of those she loves. I only wish I had meant enough to her, that she would at least never have betrayed my trust and stabbed me in the back.

I shake my head trying to avoid the memory creeping up on me but it is impossible, a memory of another time another place.

* * *

_I should have forbidden her to be like this at the office. How does she think I can focus on work when she gives debriefing the boss a whole other meaning? She is biting her pen, glancing over at me. Her eyes are sparkling with merriment. She is teasing me, flirting with me. And she fully knows she is getting to me. She knows I am already longing for her, and wondering how I can make the others in the room leave. "You are trouble." I mimic to her, and she smiles at me, like she doesn't understand. However her eyes are telling me another story. She bites her pen once more, and mimics the word "Sir" back at me, making me shake my head, as I look down at my papers. I will never get anything done as long as she keeps giving me looks like that, and she needs the help I can give her with Ashbaugh that is once more fighting with a neighbor. _

* * *

I shake my head, I can't let this case get to me. I can't let it drag me back down memory lane of Alicia and our time together. I need to not dwell on her. Especially when I have to face her the next day in court.

* * *

And face her I do. She is in warrior princess mode, playing hard ball from the start. Arguing the case is intense like always. I hate her and her guts but she is impressive, she never cease to amaze me in this area. No matter how much I hate it I am impressed by her like this. Upping me, never one to back down to me. I have never had a match like her, and it's fun, it's the game. Seeing her play it is a pleasure in itself. To think of how she gave it up for 13 years because of that fool of a husband she has is almost insane. It is almost impossible to think of. And yet it is the truth, and that is what I can always hit her with, that she might be good that she might be the student that surpasses the teacher once in awhile but she also is just that, the student. The one that was out of the game for too long, that, age before beauty Alicia. And that is what she forgets sometimes when she faces me. That I have played this game while she took care of her kids. That I played it while she smiled and waved and shook hands in the company of Peter, safely protected from the world. And that is how I play her. I know her like no one else, I know how that brilliant mind of hers works. I saw it develop in Georgetown, and through all the study sessions. As a lock of her hair slides in front of her face I am caught in another moment where her mind was just as brilliant and her hair never stayed behind her ears.

* * *

_I find myself staring at her yet again, as a lock of her hair falls down to her face. One she with a flick of her hair brushes away._

"_You are looking at me..." She points out. I had no idea she had caught me. And I look down at the books._

"_No, just checking, if you were done..." I point out, and she looks up and meets my gaze._

"_We are in the library..." She whispers at me, and I look at her like I don't get what she is saying, though I fully do. _

"_I think the others that were still here left an hour ago, only you are insane enough to keep me hostage here this late on a Friday night." I answer her, and she bites her lip and pouts at me. It doesn't take long to have her pinned against the book case in the darkest corner there. I pulled her shirt loose of her pants and let my hands slide up her sides, caressing the skin, while my mouth explores hers in longing kisses. I use one hand to open her pants and slid the pants down and off._

* * *

I shake my head I can't get lost in memories of her, certainly not the Georgetown ones. They will do nothing good for me, no matter how it was back there that I learned how she worked, and learned every corner of her mind. David Lee is coaching me yet again in what to use against her, and that is what we do. I am exhausted as I leave court yet again. Knowing I will be back again soon. We are already called back in the next day as new evidence has been dug up. I am shaken by it I didn't see this coming, I certainly didn't see her having run to one of the judges involved in my bribery scandal once again to get a warrant to keep me and my firm form contacting the witness she had dug up. And even less did I expect the witness to be one I had once told her about that I had looked into and she could go there but only as a last stretch. She is smiling at me, her eyes glinting like she knows she has the upper hand. But if that was how she wanted to play she would get that. She forgot that I had way more inside knowledge of the case that I wasn't supposed to have than she. So I started digging every precious moment spend with her for things that would be used against her. Whether it was her feelings for me or things she had avoided in the case. Things she had complained about to me regarding the cases. I used it if it could be used. It unsettled her, I know. The moment I first did it and saw a glimpse of pain flash over her eyes, I knew I had hit her hard and deep. That I had unsettled her the most I could. I expected her to fight back to use same tactic on me and I was right. She did, she used everything she could on what she knew about me from our moments of love. She used my love for her turning it into a deadly arrow against me. And the moment she did that, I knew there was no way I would lose this case. There was absolutely no way.

* * *

As I left the court room my eyes flickered to her. I saw her hug someone, a girl. And as the girl pulled back I recognized her daughter. I wondered briefly what she was doing here. Why Alicia would have allowed her daughter to court even more on a case like this. It seemed very unlike Alicia. I saw how she told the girl something that made her walk over and take a seat on a bench close by as Alicia walked over to Cary. We only had a 30min break because the judge had gotten tired of our fighting.

I walked over to the vending machine needing a water or soda or something, and that is when a voice makes me spin around.

"Mr. Gardner?" I stand up and turn around to face Alicia's daughter, Grace, who is looking a bit hesitatingly at me. I have no idea what she can want, unless Alicia sent her daughter to do her dirty work. But I pull myself together, Grace is not the enemy, she is just a young girl.

"Yes?" I answer, still unsure what she could possible want.

"Could I borrow your phone? My own is dying, and I really need to call my dad to pick me up from here. I haven't gotten my license yet, and I came here post school because I have a mock trial in social studies. I would ask my mom but she is busy arguing with Cary..." She explains, it is clear she is uncomfortable with asking me. And I do have a brief thought of if Alicia could have used her daughter to spy on me to do something with my phone, but I push it back. Grace is 16 and clearly unhappy having to ask about this already.

"Of course." I answer and pull it from my pocket. Somewhere in the back of my mind I know it will also show Alicia, if she had given me the chance to connect with her kids and be her family, I could have. Grace smiles gratefully and quickly dials. I get my soda and get an extra for the girl, almost per reflex, as it would have been what I would have done for her mother in the past. I don't listen to what she says, but when I turn back around she is already done, handing me back my phone.  
"Thank you... my mom won't allow me to take the train or bus by myself lately... and with the snow walking would be even worse." She offers as an explanations, she is hesitatingly, and clearly unsure if I even want to know that.

"You are welcome. Oh and here." I hand her the coke, making her eyes light up a little. Not that I can blame her, I hated when I was a kid and I a couple of times had to wait around at my dad's office or with him in court. Adults tend to overlook kids. I had of course been way younger than she is now, but it makes me feel a bit of sympathy for the girl. Everyone by now knows of the classmates of hers that have filmed her naked in her bedroom and charged money for it. Everyone that ever watches the news or sees the papers knows, they defend themselves saying how she wants it. How she has been flirting with everyone ever since the list where she made the 4th hottest politician's daughter. She can't be in the easiest situation, far from it I assume. Especially when one quick glance around shows me that every other man and a few women in here are in fact looking at her. Some checking her out, others looking grossed out.

"Thank you!" She smiles gently, and I nod. I notice how she smiles and walks back to her bench once again taking a seat, she looks lonely and a bit lost. I don't fret over it though and I instead start pacing as I drink my coke. It is almost time to head back in when I notice Peter approaching. At least it seems he had the time to pick her up and wasn't in Springfield facing hearings today. He glares at me and I make a mock salute at him. I almost laugh when I see him try to approach Alicia but her brushing him off with a wave. She is still deep into the discussion with Cary.

Grace seems to follow Peter out and I am ready to brush them off, I mean out of sight out of mind. And that is where I prefer the governor. But he stops.

"So what do I owe you this time Gardner, for letting my daughter use your cell phone? I mean I have by now learned nothing comes without a price when it is you." I snort at him, and I can see Grace is looking shocked, and annoyed. I am tempted to give him my usual come back, however one glance at the girl beside him, looking shocked, a bit scared and sad. Very much unlike her father, _how in the world did Peter father two kids with Alicia? A boy I know is a computer genius, and a daughter that seems nothing like him from looks to everything. Actually she seems to take a distance from him even in this moment. _I ask myself for what must be the millionth time, because trust me it is not a new thought. However her expression is what makes me back down. Again she is not the enemy and whatever I feel for her father or mother she doesn't deserve to witness.

"Nothing, I am glad you could pick her up... I wouldn't want my child to sit here waiting around." I answer, the last part might be a little over the top but that is what he gets for all his mess. I mean I saw the words like everyone else has about her being liberal with threesomes like her dad was, and it truthfully grossed me out that a teen girl would have to be labeled with that. Yes, I am no saint and I have been involved with more than one of those, but she is 16 and now has a reputation of a hooker loving corrupt dad, naked dancing and liberal with threesomes. Peter's scoff is not surprising, just like how he doesn't stick around for more chit chat doesn't surprise me either. Instead he hurries down the hallway almost seeming to drag Grace with him. I glance at my watch it is time to head back inside.

Alicia is questioning a witness. I can't help but smile, she was always good at witness prep and she has done well here too. I have to give her that. She is smirking at me as she turns around for a second. Not the flirty one she used to send me but one of competition, and mockery though her eyes are still sparkling.

* * *

_She is half sitting on the conference room table as she reads over a case file. I catch the sight of her though the window and can't help but stop and stare at her. She must have felt my gaze because she looks up and smiles at me. Her eyes teasing like they usually are when she flirts, when she temps me. I know I will be texting her about lunch as soon as I get to my office. And that is when I see it she reaches down to her ankle and let her fingers slide up from there and slowly up her leg. She could just as well have been picking something up, or have a mosquito bite she is scratching. If others saw it, but I know she is flirting with me I know she is tempting me, even more when she glances up and winks at me while her fingers slide the rest of the way up. I gulp and pull my tie a little looser, before I hurry to my office, where I send her a text with one word. "Lunch?" _

_The one that comes back in barely a second only has two emotion-cons but they are enough to confirm we will indeed having lunch. Or at least I will be. _

* * *

I am shocked, I can't be thinking of her like that now it is distracting too much, and I need to concentrate on what she is saying, especially because David is angrily glaring at me, and I know I have missed an opportunity to object, something I also know when she casts another quick glance my way. Her brows slightly furrowed, she clearly didn't expect me missing that opportunity. The next slip up she makes I don't let pass but object to, and fight her with. So much the judge calls us both to order with saying if we don't calm down he will hold us both in contempt until we have solved our issues.

I let her continue but tear into her again when she has another slip, and I can see her glancing at Cary. I am unsettling her and I am making it harder for her, which is clearly a good thing. I want to win and I will win, I will beat her.

I tear her witness apart after she is done, not even giving Alicia a chance to object, though she tries. I know how she works, and I won't let her get another word in.

* * *

When I leave the court room I am on a high and even David Lee can see it as he points out to me how we will win. "How Judas is going down". That is what David has opted for calling Alicia these days. I take the elevator down to the restrooms before leaving. As I wait for the elevator to return I check my watch, it is later than expected but I can still catch a few hours in the office preparing for tomorrow.

I step into the elevator and the doors are almost closed when a hand slips in stopping the movement and Alicia slips into the closed space with me. My eyes widen in surprise. For a second I am unsure if it is by accident or not, but catching her eyes, I know there is no accident. She is slamming the stop emergency button as she approaches me. The fire is glowing in her eyes. And I wish I could say she didn't turn me on but that would be a lie. It would be the biggest lie I ever given. Because everything in her always turns me on, her passion, her anger, her love, her hate, her eyes and her whole being. The hate brain sex we seem to always be having these days along with eye sex, always has me in some half-aroused passionate state. One that makes me in tune to her mind and every movement. It also means that I have had all the casual sex first with Isabelle the days right after firm break up, later with whoever came my way.

She slides to me like a jungle cat. I know her, I know how she works. So when her hands slam against my chest I also know what comes next.

"How dare you? How could you?" She screams at me. "You broke that poor woman... was proving yourself better than me that important to you?" She hisses.

"I did what I had to do... you set the rules for this game... I didn't!" I hiss at her.

"I went a little out of line, you destroyed a woman, a family... How could you... and you did it in front of everyone, her daughter heard it, her whole family heard it!" She is screaming at me tears in her mossy green eyes. Tears I am not sure if are from sadness or anger, but probably a little of both.

"You were the one that took it to this level Alicia. You were the one that made this personal, no matter how many times you try to deny that, it is not. You were the one that made it. In this case and always. You ran because you are so damn scared, you went to judges and boards you knew would be biased against me. You used contacts you only had because of Peter or me. You acted like you wanted to be my partner, then you planned on leaving. You were the one making this personal. If you had wanted it professional you would have come to me and told me you were leaving, you wouldn't have stolen clients, and you certainly wouldn't go to judges or boards you know are connected to my suspension. You made it personal!" I shout at her, making her flinch for a moment. The next moment my cheek is stinging from her palm. And this shocks me, from the look on her face it shocked her as well. She looks scared suddenly, angry, sad, hurt, and scared.

I raise an eyebrow at her, I don't know what else to do. I can't say it is the first time a girl slapped me, it is not even the first time Alicia did.

* * *

"_You are really going dating that jerk?" I scream at her. I don't get it, I know I am overreacting but her new boyfriend is an ass, that is completely full of himself. He doesn't deserve someone like Alicia. She is way too good for him. _

"_He cares about me... he loves me..." She defend herself. If she thinks that is love he has for her she must be crazy. Love is the overwhelming feeling that made me end things with Helena, as I realized no one compared to the curly haired feisty brunette in front of me. The one I had kissed and loved and been too much of a coward to label what it was I had going with. Because I wasn't one to do serious, and Alicia put the word serious into my head and heart. Helena had been a safer bet for a month, until I realized one month with her was nothing compared to the study sessions with Alicia, or unlabeled exchanges I had with her. _

_However because I was a coward I had also been too late and that hurt. Here I was about to tell her I loved her, that I wanted her in my life. Only to find out she had met this guy. The guy I had just had dinner in the company of with her. Because her best friend (and ex-sex partner) of course needed to meet the new guy in her life. _

"_You think he does... well in that case you missed how he checked out the blond waitress and her breasts." I answer her, and the next moment I feel her hand connect with my cheek. She glares at me angrily. My hand locks around her wrist and I pull her into my arms, my lips finding hers, and I turn her against the wall. _

* * *

It had been one of those incidents we both agreed to never speak of again, to forget all about. Expect that if we ever fought one of us had to back down or walk away or we would possible end up in the same place once more. And we were, I mean we already ended up there in the car not long ago. And the look in her eyes lets me know we are there again. My hand locks around her wrist like it did in the past, and her eyes flicker between that and my face. And then she launches at me. She tries to kiss me like she did in the car, but I turn my face. I can't kiss her. Whatever this is I can't do that. I find her neck once more and suck on the skin there. It is so soft under my lips. Her fingers are in my hair in pulling at it as she moans. I turn her around and slam her into the wall. Before lifting her up.

* * *

**M-rated part. **

Her legs wrap around me pulling me closer. My lips are on her neck, on her throat, oh her cheek and chin. I am sure I am leaving marks on her tender skin and I am also pretty sure I don't care one bit, as she is moaning and squirming in my arms. She moans how she hates me, and whimpers about her love for me, as she pulls at my shirt. We are both clawing at clothes. Needing to touch bare skin. I manage to get her jacket unzipped and down, letting my lips follow the skin so I can suck on the top of her breasts. Her fingers are caressing my face, stroking, pulling and tracing. I manage to get her skirt further up and let a hand drift over the silk of her panties. Silk that is already soaked. I push it aside and slip two fingers inside of her, making her groan loudly. My thumb rubs her clit hard making her twist and trash against me. She is moaning and screaming out my name in ecstasy. But I don't let her come just yet. I pull my fingers from her body, making her groan annoyed. But I somehow manage to get my pants open and pushed down enough to free myself. Without further ado I push into her. Fully and hard, making her let out a high pinched scream as I slam deeply into her. She is soaked and it is like screwing a glass of water, fucking her like this. I push all the way into her, and her eyes are wide open, staring at me in shock and pleasure. Her head thrown back soon enough in pleasure, as I pull back and plow back into her once again. She is wrapping her arms around me and still trying to make me kiss her but I don't. I avoid her lips on mine as I keep plowing into her hard and fast. No time left for niceties. This is hard and rough and I am sure she won't be the only one bruising after. Though I am sure there are both marks left on her neck, throat, and breasts. Along with those on her hips from my hands, maybe even some on her back from how she is hitting the panel. I will have marks or maybe scratches from her fingers on my face, and my shoulders. Along with her high heels that dig deep into my butt and thighs. It doesn't stop me though as I just take her harder, until she is screaming out in her orgasm. I grit my teeth to hold back. And I manage much to her surprise if I read her eyes right. She begs me now that it is too much that she can't stand another round but I know her, I know she can. So I change the angle a bit by grabbing her tighter and pulling her away from the panel. So the only thing holding her up is my arms. I continue to take her like this. Her arms wrapped around my neck holding onto my shoulders tightly. I know she wants to kiss me but I still don't allow it so her lips finds my cheek. And as she comes apart again she buries her head into my shoulder. This time I can't hold back any longer, her clenching walls around me is too much. She is sucking me into her warm depths even deeper as she falls over the edge, and I spill myself into her warmth.

**M-rated part over.**

* * *

I keep holding her as our breaths return to the normal and I step carefully up to the wall once more where I lower her onto the ground. I don't let go of her until I am sure she has found her feet once again. That is when I pull away and quickly slam the button to start the elevator again. I redresses quickly and have managed to do so even before the doors open and I can slip out and away from her. I don't wait around to see if she redressed as well. Another second with her would be dangerous and make me fall harder for her again. And I still need to win over her tomorrow.

As I lay in my bed that night trying to avoid thinking about her, while at the same time digging my memory for anything that can be the final blow I need to win another memory creeps up on me. It might be the sex, it might be meeting her daughter once again. It might be something else entirely.

* * *

_She is on the phone, or actually she is on my phone. Her own was running low on battery and she needed to call back a client. So I lent her mine. That is when I hear the by now familiar ring tone of her daughter. Her eyes grow wide and I can see the frustration in them. I move across the room to get her phone for her. For a few seconds I look at her exchanging eye contact with her, and asking her silently if she wants me to get it. _

"_Hello?"I answer it._

"_Umm Hi? Who is this?" The young girls voice asks._

"_Umm Will, Will Gardner..." I stammer._

"_Oh okay, is my mom there?" She asks, and I can hear she doesn't like I answered her mother's phone. I look over at Alicia._

"_Yeah sure just one second..." I offer and I walk over to Alicia still on the phone with Ashbaugh. _

"_Talk with your daughter I can discuss with him and take notes for you..." I offer, and she nods and I can hear she tells Ashbaugh she needs to go but he will need to tell me what he needs with the report as I am the one who will be helping her with it._

_I switch phones with her and looks for a legal pad._

* * *

I remember what he said in that call, and a smile creeps up on my lips. I can use this. I got the information myself, not even through her. This can be what I use to win. Tomorrow I will put the finale blow to this case, no matter what.

_Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over  
But had me believing it was always something that I'd done  
But I don't wanna live that way  
Reading into every word you say  
You said that you could let it go  
And I wouldn't catch you hung up on somebody that you used to know_

_But you didn't have to cut me off_  
_Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing_  
_And I don't even need your love_  
_But you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough_  
_No you didn't have to stoop so low_  
_Have your friends collect your records and then change your number_  
_I guess that I don't need that though_  
_Now you're just somebody that I used to know_

* * *

_Okay so please let me know if you are still with me after this chapter? as said in the first part your response to this really overwhelmed me and made me write this a hell of a lot faster. So please let me know what you thought of this one as well... again a huge thank you for all the reviews to chaper one! (also since i got 26 reviews for chapter 1 lets say i will post the already written and betaed chapter 3 then i get another 20-25 reviews (around 50 in total) I am playing hardball now. Will taught me that, so review and you will get chapter 3 faster ;-) )  
_


	3. Set Fire To The Rain

_For my dear Moni! All I say is Bones AW style! Which is the chapter 3 of this road. The title and soundtrack for this chapter though goes to Chiara!_

_I don't own the good wife... or Alicia would be crying her heart out right now and peter in jail!  
_

Also bring tissues then you read this chapter... and a special thanks to Betty and Tali ;-) But really a huge thank you to all my amazing readers and reviewers!

* * *

_I let it fall, my heart  
And as it fell, you rose to claim it  
It was dark and I was over  
Until you kissed my lips and you saved me_

_My hands, they're strong  
But my knees were far too weak  
To stand in your arms  
Without falling to your feet_

_But there's a side to you that I never knew, never knew  
All the things you'd say, they were never true, never true  
And the games you'd play, you would always win, always win_

_But I set fire to the rain  
Watched it pour as I touched your face  
Let it burn while I cry  
'Cause I heard it screaming out your name, your name_

* * *

**Set Fire To The Rain**

I am crying, I am crumbling, I am shaking from the winter's cold. It is freezing and the coat and scarf do nothing to help against it. The icy wind seemed to rush right past my clothes, making me shiver and my body hurt. The tears on my cheeks are frozen into icy crystals, stinging my skin.

Today has been horrible, actually all of last week has been horrible, or maybe actually the last couple of weeks. Ever since my encounter with Will in his car. Only added up to that a yesterday in the elevator. The case, the Ashbaugh law suit, though he was now long dead, he had almost seemed to have been brought back to life these days. His relatives, vultures absent when he was living and suddenly fighting over his legacy. Family law, it always makes me wish I had David Lee's knowledge about the matter. I had been relieved when I saw that David Lee wasn't even the lawyer I was to face but Will was. At least until I found out it was all a set up, David Lee had been coaching Will in all family law matters to use, but he was doing it as he could rattle me more. He probably took the case on himself, knowing that after all that happened in his car he would already have me unsettled. And he knew this case would only make it worse, with Ashbaugh, a client he had given to me long ago. A client that had been heavily debated during our brief erotic and romantic time together. A client I now wish I had never taken on.

Will used everything he had, first it had been the law he played with. I could stand my ground there, even with David Lee playing behind the scenes. I hadn't however expected he would ever go there, undercutting me using memories of our time together. Not directly of us but things connected to Ashbaugh he had only known because of phone-calls to me, or my venting to him. Stuff he could only know because of me. Stuff that brought back memories. Memories of him healing me, of taking my anger, worries, pain and frustrations. Everything really he took away with his hands, lips, kisses and body. Memories that had me shivering from just the thought of how good it had felt. Memories he now used against me, as each one he brought up rattled me and he smirked knowing what it did to me, how it set me off.

I had fought back, of course I had fought back. Something I had done ever since that day two months ago where he came to my office and asked in a low but steady voice if I was leaving. Something that had me speechless, so I didn't answer. It was how it started coldly, he kept asking demanding an answer, his cool attitude actually rattled me a bit more, made me unsure what I was to say. But I did answer and the moment I uttered the word sorry all the dangerously cool and calm attitude was gone. I have never before seen him that angry, he was ruthless and cruel and my arguments fell on deaf ears. I was in shock when he demanded I left, and I wasn't sure what had made me foolish enough to stand up to him and refuse so, but I had. Back then I had told myself it was the only way to do it, to buy my new firm time, to buy myself a bit more time in relation to my new clients. That I now needed to fight for my rights and my firm.

In perspective I know it had been foolish, an idiotic move, one that had only sent us further down the rabbit-hole. Further down the deadly hollow I had stepped into, and Will's next actions of taking my phone and demanding Robyn to stay there and not let me leave. Unknowing that Robyn was in on it too. The day had gone from worse to destruction the moment he took out a restraining order. It had gone really bad when we fought it in court. The moment we left and David Lee called me Judas, and I had told them all off and told them I would come for them that in the end they would be left with a very nice suite of offices. I know I have turned the war deadly when I went to one of the judges involved in Will's bribery scandal.

* * *

This case was similar to that in many ways. Back then we used stuff to undercut the other. We had done that every since I left, but this time it topped. It became almost more deadly. I had tried the same approach as him, using things I only knew from being with him, things that were highly unethically to bring up, and he had been shocked, but not too much as he had gone right back at me. And that was how days had now been spend, cutting words, every sweet memory of us turned against the other as a deadly weapon. Each night I came home I felt weaker, sadder, more destroyed.

It doesn't help that even my dreams wouldn't let me escape but they were now filed with memories of love making, of teasing, of laughter, until the laughter turned into cruel sarcastic grinning, and memories of us in his car. Of how he wouldn't even let me kiss him. The sex we were now having was only just cold emotionless sex to him. Thoughts of how he hated me enough to fuck me hard but not kiss me or hold me. The teasing in the dreams turned into bleeding jabs at my heart, and the love making turned into another woman with Will laughing over how pathetic I was, and how much more he loved the faceless woman in his arms. Words whispered of how she was the one, and how I had nothing on her, that she was every bit the woman I never was. I woke up shaken and hurt, never able to find rest again, making me more and more sleep deprived.

Until yesterday in the elevator when I had ambushed him. One more time down the rabbit-hole, of course he still denied me every kiss I longed to share with him. He hoisted me up against the panels of cold elevator wall and made me feel all the pleasure my body craved. But he didn't kiss me, he didn't love me, it was all hate and pain. And god, I was crushed when he lowered me to the ground once more, starting the elevator without a word to me. Leaving me to crumble into a teary mess.

Today I had lost the case, he had won, with one last strike, one last witness, one last statement crushing everything in the defense I had build up, and his cruel smile at me as he won had only made the loss bigger. He really didn't love me anymore, or at least the love was covered by hate. He had won the case. He had won our moments, not a single one remained for me to treasure alone in my cold bed at night, no one to warm me up. That had so far been when I allowed myself to remember a time where Will's eyes were not cold with furry and hate, but instead warm and tender, loving and adoring me. The time when he was like healing balm to my soul because I felt at my lowest low. But he had destroyed them all every memory, every kiss, every silky touch, every smile, every word of adoration and bonding: nothing was left for me to treasure in my loneliness.

Instead I could now remember tender moments as deadly weapons used to destroy me and my case. I had memories of the rough dark encounters of our last couple of times. All memories of our sacred and private months of happiness were gone like lines in the water, broken by the waves. I didn't even have Georgetown left anymore, as the Will in Georgetown had no resemblance to the Will I saw now, I met now. My Will in Georgetown was laughing, smiling, teasing, caring, gentle, though he challenged my every thought or idea and opinion. This Will challenged me for sure, he beat me every chance he got, but he was ruthless, cruel, deliberated cunning and strategic. He was like a man possessed. Nothing would stop him until he had destroyed me, my firm, my family and my husband.

He is the reason why Peter and Eli are facing charges now, why money on the home front also went to Peter's defense, why I had to check so many bills yet again. A new firm that needed to be paid for, a son in college, and legal fees for a top defense lawyer for Peter. Peter that is facing hearings. Peter that is facing his impeached trial, Peter that is facing a civil lawsuit. Added up to all the money I also need money for the apartment, for Grace's private school, for living. It seemed that I am always paying bills and counting the money these days. The news of Peter had been sprung on me the day after my time with Will in his car. I know he is behind it. I wanted to ask if he did it before or after sleeping with me again, but I somehow couldn't. The fear that he really hated me that much that he would do it after was too painful. I still want to live in the hope it was done before. I don't know how much he has to do with it, but I do know it somehow goes back to him.

My life is a mess, even though Peter is facing charges I still in the end invited him to the office holiday party tonight. Eli, him and Cary all saying it would show his innocence, would show an united front, plus any press is better than no press like Cary said. And though the governor's image is now tainted it is still better than nothing. And I had bend in the end, I need the clients, I need to get the money to pay off the lawyers my family needs lately. I could have asked Cary for representation, but the cases were too big, too problematic that we needed top lawyers to not risk losing everything. And it is not like I could ask Will. I also might need a lawyer myself any up coming moment. The moment the press gets an idea that I helped covering Peter's election fraud and because I needed him as governor for my image when I started my new firm. Something like how I signed Chum-Hum would back up. So far it hasn't happened but it might any day. Ironic as it is, since I didn't know about it until the medias once again surprised me. Peter is the one that has told me Will knew, that Will held it back on election night. Why I also suspect the leak is coming from him. But we can't prove anything, though Peter will certainly have tried to have investigators find evidence linking Will to the cover up. Even though I told him not to, I am sure he has tried. But I know he won't find anything. Will has Kalinda on his side and Kalinda can cover up anything. More stuff is showing up, more stuff is being linked to Peter and his past for each day that passes. Stuff that though the trial is ongoing makes the outcome looks given already now. And I am sure it won't be in Peter's favor.

* * *

Now I am rushing toward my office along the empty streets. My car has broken down once again and Cary had already left the court building. For some reason no cab seemed to be in sight. The pavement is icy and my high heels are not a good thing here as I am close to falling many times. I just longed to go home (not that I could for many hours after all I have an office holiday party to get back to) and step into my warm shower, letting the water warm me up while the tears fell. Tears for all that I was, all that I have done, every moment and memory I have lost. Every promise and heart I have crushed. Because that was what the whole thing made me see.

That Will's anger and hate to me were all my own fault, because I was reckless and careless with his heart and trust. When he found out what I was doing he had called me awful, back then I had told myself I wasn't, that I was doing the right thing. But now, now I know differently. My whole body hurts from the cold wind and the breaking of my heart. I love him, I know that, I have always loved him, and it won't go away no matter how much hate we throw at each other. He was the only one to ever touch my heart so deeply he wouldn't leave it again, no matter how many cutting and painful words were spoken, or how many promises broken, and memories destroyed. He still wouldn't leave my heart.

I had thought if I got away from him, if I left him, if I saw him treat me differently it would be over. That he would leave my heart and soul once and for all, leaving me to commit to my marriage. I hadn't counted in that distance made the heart grow fonder or how much I would miss him. How much the hate in his eyes would feel like icy arrows thrown at my heart every time he looked at me. It wasn't even the hate so much it was the betrayal, the pain, the coldness like I was nothing to him, and had never been. Like he couldn't care less if I lived or died. Having Will look at me like that was horrible, it was the worst I have ever felt. Even more I didn't count on still not being able to stay away from him. That even his hate for me didn't make me desire or love him any less. That I had still slept with him now on two occasions, each one painful and heart crushing.

It felt even worse because I can't get him out of my heart, or my head. That he is always there, like a ghostly presence always reminding me of what we were, of what we used to be of what we could have been. At every single event I went to with Peter, I felt like Will's fingers were ghosting along my spine, making me shiver and long for him. Every time I faced him in court I wished he would take me in his arms and kiss me senseless, making me feel like I am whole again. That I am happy and that everything is like it should be.

I look around before crossing the road, but my heels catch in the ice under my feet, making me tumble to the ground. My knees get scratched along with my hands. My hip hurt from having hit the ground, and I cursed, I can only hope that my laptop hadn't broken from the fall or my phone. I scramble to sit up again, my body hurt more now than before. I manage to sit and start to get up but the ground is slippery, making me lose my balance once more and fall back on the ground. I feel tears gathering in my eyes, making it hard to see. Tears that long to spill over. Tears that have softly run down my cheeks since I left the courtroom, the same ones that are giving me frost bites on my cheeks now. Except it wasn't silent, it was impossible to stop crying any longer it was a steady stream of tears, close to turning into full blown sobs.

I try to get up again and am almost there when I get blinded by the long light of a car coming directly toward me. I lose my balance once more. And for a second I close my eyes. My body is in too much pain from the fall to move away though I try. The thoughts rushing through my mind are of how much pain I have caused. How many I have hurt. But the biggest is I will never tell Will how I love him without it being a mix of hate and anger and love. I will never get to tell him those words as I lay in his arms feeling his love surround me. In that moment it is all clear to me. He loved me, he had always loved me, I have just been to blind to see it, too stubborn to give him a chance with me. To scared to give my heart to him, though he already lived in it. I knew it when I ran away after our sex in his car, but now here alone it is like I realize he loved me as deeply as I love him.

I will die now though, and he will probably not even care at this point, because then I will finally be out of his life for good. I can hear the motor of the car and the blood thundering in my ears. _Do you lose consciousness before you die because of the fear from dying?_

* * *

I scream through the tears and pain and that is when I feel a couple of strong arms that grab me and drag me into safety the very last moment. The same arms that belong to a body that is now covering me, shielding me in case the car should lose its ground on the ice. A body I am clinging to and sobbing like a child into the neck of. It could be anyone that has saved my life, anyone really I don't know and yet my heart fully knows who it is. I cling to the person like a life-preserver. He is warm and strong against my small shivering cold form. My angel of mercy, my savior. Or maybe not, maybe he is just my eternal nemesis that once more came to serve me the price for all the betrayal and anger and hate I have caused. One that would doom me to a long life of nothing. While I know I have destroyed my every chance of happiness and true love with my soul-mate.

"Alicia... Alicia please talk to me, please move. Please be alright..." His voice calls to me through the thunder of my ears and my sobs of heartbreak. _Him_, the very man I am sure couldn't care less if I live or die has saved my life. His strong voice pulls me back to the world of the living and not just the shadow world I have felt caught in seconds before, and I flutter my eyelashes.

"What were you thinking? You could have been killed..." He whispers his lips close to my ear. I groan now. As I feel myself return I can also feel my body again and the pain I am in.

I flutter my eyes open to meet his. His eyes for once like I remember them in the past, maybe I really am dead because I think only after death I could see _my Will, _looking at me like that once again. His eyes are filled with worry and fear for my well-being as he carefully strokes my cheek, warming it. Only hours ago I felt like he would kill me with his own hands if he ever got the chance, now he looks at me like he used to. Like I am something precious, something cherished, something whole and loved. It only makes me cry harder and I bury my face into his shoulder once more, clinging to him, holding on to him like my life depends on not ever letting go, and it is not wrong how could I ever be so cruel to this man, I need him in my life I need him to love me. I need everything he is. His hands stroke my back and my hair, tenderly like you would do with a child.

"Alicia I need to get you home." He pushes me back from him a little to check on me again.

He looks so worried and I feel tears continue to run down my face. What have I done to us... to him?

I start to shake from the cold, rain and my sadness. And I feel him as he carefully wraps his arms around me in comfort, pulling me back into his chest. We are still sitting on the cold icy ground and I bury myself into his warmth. Seeking everything of him, every inch of comfort he is offering me, taking all he is giving me. I am soaking it up, like I am starving for it, which wasn't a lie. I was drowning and he pulled me from the waters. It is like I need him to breathe. I am soaking in his warmth and comfort, like I always should have, like I now wish I had done when I had the chance before.

"Hey... hey it is okay... I got you... you are okay... Alicia... it is all okay. I got you... It's okay." He holds me gently against him, stroking my back trying to calm me like I did with Zach and Grace when they were hurt or in pain, while I continue to sob, my head buried into his shoulder.

"Alicia, we need to get you home, you are soaked from the snow, and we are still at the road."

_Snow ? _I hadn't even realized the white substance had started to fall before he said it.

I feel how he moves, trying to stand up and pulling me with him. I am shaking and shivering from the cold and the fear still in my body. My legs are having a hard time holding me up, and I am pretty sure I am only standing up straight because of his arms still holding me. I feel like I am falling the moment he lets go of me to take off his coat so he can wrap it around my shoulders. His arm stays around me as he guides me a little down the road. As I stumble he sweeps me up into his arms without a word. He carries me gently like a child or a bride. Like something way more precious than I deserve, that is for sure. I wonders briefly how he has found me. But I am not sure he would give me an answer even if I asked.

He carries me over to the passenger side of the car and carefully places me back on the ground before he helps me get into the car. I put the seat-belt on and pull his warm woolen coat closer against me. It smells like him, and his after shaver. The one I prefer. I glance over as I hear the other door being opened and see him slip in. He reaches and turns the car on, before turning the heat up.

"I checked in the back, I am sorry I don't have a blanket with me. But I will turn the heat up as well as the warmth in the seat, so you can warm up a little." He offers me. And I nod slowly and silently. I reach my ice cold hands forward holding them in front of the fan, letting the heat steaming out warming them up.

He pulls the car out on the road, while he keeps glancing over at me. Tears are forming in my eyes once more. He is taking care of me even now, when I don't deserve him, when all I have done is to hate loving him so badly that I needed to destroy our friendship, our memories and our hearts. So much that I would rather stab him in the back than give him a chance to love me fully and completely. Still he is here pampering me like a lost child and it stuns me and breaks my heart a little more.

"Alicia what were you thinking, running around on the dark streets in the snow and cold..." He asks me gently as we drive. I have no answer, well I could tell him it only started to snow as I fell to the ground but he has just saved my life and that is no real answer.

"I could have died..." I whisper softly, he has saved my life, yet again. This time even literary. He had made sure she got a chance to correct her mistakes.

"You are alright Alicia..." He whispers, and I can hear his voice shake a little. It has an edge of fear and nervousness to it. I gulp, he is still calling me Alicia, a name that had otherwise been replaced by Mrs. Florrick, or a sarcastic version of _my dear_.

"Shall I take you home?" He asks gently and I shake my head, I still need to get back to the office to the damn party. I can only hope I still have an extra suit there, though it won't compare to the scarlet red dress I have on now that is most likely destroyed. Not that I care about the dress or the party. But if I don't go they will have my head for it tomorrow.

"The office please..." I whisper, my voice thick from my tears which makes me glance over.

"Maybe you need a few days off, a vacation or something... it has been a hard week..." He offers me, as I take his words in and shake my head.

"I am alright now..." I look down before adding what is really on my mind. "Except I made a mistake..." I whisper the latter and he glances over. I can feel he is uncomfortable.

"You lost the case Alicia... I won this one, you will win the next... you are okay now..." He adds, and I feel weird. He is trying to make it professional. Even though there is nothing professional about this anymore.

"It's... it is not that... Matthew, I made him settle once, and he didn't want to... he died with regrets..." I answer as I think back to the case, to the memories.  
"Everyone has regrets Alicia... dead or alive..." He answers me, and I want to ask what his are. What he regrets, but I know I am not allowed that, and that he wouldn't answer.

"No, Will the point is I never gave him a chance to show me why he wanted to do it his way... I never listened..." I whisper.

"That is not true... Alicia you listened a lot and we know it... I saw and heard how many phone-calls you took from him." He offers, and I nod slowly.

"I would have died with regrets... " I whisper softly, scared to say the least.

"We all have regrets... Alicia... like I said dead or alive... it's life..." He tells me gently, giving me a quick glance over.

"No... I mean, I made a mistake... I didn't listen sooner" I tell him softly, looking over at him now. I know if don't tell him now in this moment I probably never will. And someday I will find myself dying without him knowing the truth.

He looks over at me quickly and I can see the confusion on his face. I feel tears on my own face.

"I made a mistake when I didn't talk with you on election night... I made a mistake when I never gave you a fair chance even when we were together... I made a mistake when I ended things with you. I made one when I never gave you a chance, a real one. I made one every time I ran from you instead of falling into your arms like I wished to." I whisper softly, looking over at him, I notice how he tenses up, and his hands tightens on the wheel in shock over my words. "I should have given you a chance... I wish I had... that is my regret. I wished I had never left you like that. That is my biggest regret." I add softly. He sighs, and glances over at me. His eyes are dark and hollowed.

I know I am being selfish once more _telling him this now. __I just couldn't live with the regret of never speaking those words, though. _He looks back on the road, and I wait silently for him to speak. Finally he sighs.

"Alicia... I can't... it is too late... there is too much water under the bridge. I don't want to hurt you Alicia but.. I can't forget all that has happened... I am not sure I could ever trust you... and as far as I know you are still married... many of those things in the past they are still there... if I took you back right now I would always wonder if you only wanted me here in this moment because you were shaken from the accident or if you wanted me for real. I... don't want to hurt you whatever the last few months have looked like but... those are the facts..." He tells me softly as my heart breaks.

I know he is trying to be gentle with me, while turning me down, something I hadn't offered him much of. Something I certainly hadn't offered him this last time where I severed all ties to him and made him hate me, while saying it wasn't meant personally. Yet here he is talking to me softly after having saved my life, and listening to me practically ask him to take me back after I stabbed him and hurt him deeply. Because what? I had some kind of sign from the universe? I am crying openly now, turning my face against the window.

"I know... I know..." I whisper, my voice thick from my tears. "I missed my chance." I add softly making sure I won't risk him seeing my tears and how much this breaks me.

"I'm too late..." I whisper so softly it was most my own thoughts spoken out loud, yet I hear him sigh again.

"My whole world turned upside down. I can adjust." I add, unable to look over at him.

"I did." he whispers, and I know it is true how many times haven't I turned him down one way or another, and he always adjusted.

"Yes, you did." I whisper.

"Alicia..." he answered softly.

I am crying, hating myself more than ever that I hadn't seen what he offered me earlier, that I didn't follow or listen to her heart.

"Yeah... I did..." He whispers tenderly. He has adjusted, he probably doesn't love me anymore. And I can't do anything to turn back time to and hope to make things right before it came to this.

"Do you need me to call someone... anyone to be with you... I mean maybe you shouldn't be alone right now..." He asks me protectively, and I realize we have arrived at my office building. I shake my head, in reality I won't be alone though that is what I long for right now. I need to put on a fake smile.

"No... I will be okay..." I tell him softly forcing myself to sound stronger than I feel like.

He sighs and nods. Our eyes meet, and I know he wants to say more. However I can't stand to hear it right now. I know it might be cruel that I can't give him the decency of hearing his explanations or apologies for turning me down, something I probably owed him but it just hurts too much. "I understand..." I whisper once more, and start to take the coat off. "Alicia keep that... you still have to go out to get to inside and your clothes are soaked. You can give it back some other time." he tells me gently and I nod. For once I accept what he offers, something I won't ever again brush off.

"Thank you... and thank you for saving my life." I whisper softly, my eyes locked with his, and he nods in understanding. I hesitate for a moment, I have already said I made a mistake in choosing wrongly, in not giving him a chance but she still hadn't told him those words other than as whispers and pleas during sex, but I can't say them now. Those three words, because saying them now would be cruel to him.

I give him a half smile and brush a few tears away as I open the car door and step outside. Without looking back at him I hurry inside the office building and up to my office. Making sure no one sees me. In the safety of my office's bathroom I let my heart break once more and let the tears run freely until I manage to pull myself together and switch clothes. The rest of the night as I join the party I am giving fake smiles to everyone, not letting anyone see that I am heartbroken and have just been turned down by my soul-mate. Because I can't let anyone see my pain. A pain that is all my own fault because I was too late.

* * *

_When laying with you  
I could stay there, close my eyes  
Feel you here, forever  
You and me together, nothing is better_

_I set fire to the rain  
And I threw us into the flames  
Where I felt something die, 'cause I knew that  
That was the last time, the last time_

_Sometimes I wake up by the door  
As if that heart you caught is still waiting for you  
Even now when it's already over  
I can't help myself from looking for you_

* * *

_Okay I am sorry if some of you are crying now... I cried while writing it... I really did... but she broke his heart badly in the past and with leaving the firm the way she did. So he wouldn't just take her back like that. Trust has to be rebuild... Also I am sorry for no sex in this one... I have started to write chapter 4 slowly but no idea then that will be done as I have to study as well;-) but keep reviewing all the encouragement I receive for this story makes me want to write more... So please keep up the work in that area! _

_(Oh and a note to Megan Grace i tried to PM you but couldn't_ _the inconsistencies you commented on regarding protection under the m-rated part it wasnt one it was a choice i knew about, and I will explain it with that in 2-3 sex scenes of the show we have not seen Alicia worry about protection...) _

_Another thing there were a few commenting on the NSA tapes... will try to explain that one a bit more in a later chapter... _


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